Film Photographer: European Wedding

AND OTHER NOTES FROM AN ARTIST AT HEART

It's been a few weeks — and as I’m finding myself under a sea of edits from this season, reflecting on this trip is a nice refuge.

Candidly, I felt a bit achey on this trip. Achey in the soul. I was sad, fighting some insecurities that bubbled up after months of confusion. Getting older is like that. Lots of reflection, refining, and redefining (big alliteration girl)

Each new season might be different, but it brings a familiar feeling

a stone turning,

a discomfort in the chest,

and fear of doing less,

a fear of doing more.

Did we make it? What’s ‘making it’? Is it the fact that I’m in Europe for a wedding?

Even at 26, I feel cheerfully young. I was alllllways an old soul, kind of a chaotic mix of silly and oddly serious. Asking the hard questions that made even adults uncomfortable. I always just wanted the truth, to understand, to soothe my curiosity. And also to roll around in the grass in a giggly fit if no one wanted to answer me. The list of things I desired to wrap my head around was exhaustive, and those around me were exhausted. Yet there little me was, jumping up and down, talking to the bus driver, putting caterpillars in my pocket, and asking is “forever” had an end.

I was always thrashing around the world at my own pace and with my own pen, marking up the pages all crazy, in a language only I could understand. It wasn’t always graceful,

It was never graceful

but luckily I’ve found my way — controlled chaos.

I make memories best in this font. A font that is cohesively uncohesive. A little bold, written in half standard, half cursive because I got distracted by something profound.

Like

a sparkling crest of water,

a girl singing to herself,

a bright orange flower in an otherwise grey alley —

I find it ironic that as I get older, I get a little less serious and a little more childlike. Is it because I can see time slipping out of my hands at a pace that I cannot keep up with? Coping maybe.

But heeeeeey. I’ve learned I have to romanticize a lot of this world in order to capture it. I have to romanticize myself, love my quirks, and turn that #inwardlove and to an outward love that nourishes those who dare to come near.

To set the scene,

I photographed a wedding at my favorite venue in North Carolina (The Bradford NC)

pause for some film from that wedding, (love you meg, you’re a dream come true)

Immediately after this atrociously hot (and gorgeous day)

I zipped back, packed in a few minutes, showered, and edited 200 photos to deliver next-day for my clients.

In just a few hours I was on my way to Belgium hoping I had my passport in tow.

I don’t think this is depicting the pure insanity of it all. I can’t and wont go into the preparation it takes to show up to a wedding, and especially an international wedding HOURS AFTER a different one.

Please let’s just sit and imagine the most tired you’ve ever been. ALRIGHT NOW DO IT AGAIN.

I feel like to continue this journal, I have to introduce you to my assistant shooter for this wedding.

This is Nick.

Nick and I met (years ago now) when I developed an interest in expanding my lingual knowledge. He loves to teach. He’s good at it. Over the years we developed a pure-spirited friendship. Lot of stories have unfolded since then. Change triple fold.

We both moved into new seasons boldly and with arms open. He moved to Glasgow for a masters (30 year old crisis), and we HAD to reconnect during my overlap visit in Europe. He flew to Belgium just for that - and we photographed a wedding together. Nick loves to rehash the story of how, moments before he met me in Hongdae, South Korea —a car LITERALLY HIT HIM.

A MOVING VEHICLE RAN INTO HIS BODY. yeaaaaah.

and he still came to show me and michele around a country we had just stepped foot into. In many ways, Nick and I are different, But in this way, the insane way, we are the same.

throwback film: me and my germans friends in Korea including my beloved Michele!

I wanted - needed - to take a moment to praise Nick’s selflessness and good intentions throughout the years. Without ever expecting anything besides a little words of affirmation, he provided lots of comforting care, advice, and lingual knowledge. I feel smarter because of him. THANK YOU NICK. I did not teach him much,

except for the fact that in America, BTS actually stands for “behind the scenes.” and It was around long before the creation of the world’s biggest boy band. But hey, we love a little cultural pride.

———— AND By the way, he’s a natural photographer. Just had to give credit where it’s due here too.

The night before nick came, I found myself trailing around Ghent. JET LAG.

Suddenly, I was sitting at the river at night. Sulking maybe? Allowing myself to feel - to cry - to observe the people around me, existing despite my ache. We were all existing together, which was comforting in a way.

Then, I moved on.

I’m whole.

A whole lot of nutsooooo. A whole lot of selfish sometimes.

A lot of dense layers of emotion.

A lot of foolishness —

curiosity —

enthusiasm —

eagerness —

ego — (the bad kind)

As I feel the pulse of my humanity —

and remember I’m actually not just a cog in the machine, i’m not just an ant in the hill,

My own little divine world spins on a colorful axis, with many many moons illuminating the dark days.

— I realize that this palpable reality helps me be apart of the union of two people.

And that if I stop to look around at life, I can always find new ways to integrate it into my work.

Sometimes I get a tiny urge to defend wedding photography as a creative job. But Ehhh, people can assume whatever they want. Maybe they’re right. At times, it’s not creative. Sometimes, it’s quite routine.

But the people that fill up the space each wedding are so vividly different, with their own unique stories, that it ends up never tiring me out.

When I get tired,

and I GET TIRED,

I have to choose to walk into each wedding open to what a new group of humans can teach me, remind me, and share with me.

This trip to Belgium came at an amazing time: a cornerstone in a way.

I felt loved, and seen, and while that is totally unimportant and irrelevant to my clients day, It means to world to me as a human, not just a vendor, to have cultivated a beautiful experience from it all.

Thank you to my bride, Eugenie, for keeping in touch all these years and inviting me along to capture your day.

Your love inspires.

Your friendships made me tear up in envy and pure joy for you.

And your belief in me is so genuine that It almost makes me nervous.

People like you will always excel, grow, and influence others to be the best version of themselves.

Thank you for sprinkling a bit of that onto me.

And of course,

Thank you Chloe, for the time and effort you put into refreshing my french :) You remind me why connections are everything. From our short time when I studied in france, to now, you’re one of those cheerleaders who never stops showing up. I’m not like you. I would be a lot better if I was.